Semi-apathetic suspense

Yesterday, my boss left the office early to participate in an important managers' teleconference at home. The purpose of the teleconference was for the managers of the week to justify the expense of each direct report. The admin assistant and I each had to send her a list of all our recent duties and any future projects we were waiting to do.

("Managers of the week" is not an official term. It's just that certain managers each week are getting hit by layoffs.)

To put this all into perspective, they've recently dropped several pilots (and aircraft), and our one and only Sharepoint expert will be gone in a couple of weeks. (His last day was going to be today, but he got a temporary reprieve.) Being essential to the company's operations doesn't seem to be a factor in the decision making. It's all about the money. Fortunately, I'm not exactly pulling down a king's ransom right now, but I know that I'm also seen mostly as a glorified admin who knows how to use Framemaker, and the consulting firm that had been doing my work before is still interested in the relationship.

I checked my email this morning for a reassuring email and didn't find one. That doesn't bother me as much as you would expect. I've been pretty unhappy working there - I don't feel respected there, and it looks like they're going to go back on the agreement to let me work at home anyway (due to a laptop shortage). If I do get the axe, I'll ask if I can claim that this was only ever meant to be a limited engagement; that'll look and sound better on my resume and in interviews. I'll be upset if I can't get that.

Don't get me wrong. I'd rather keep my job than lose it, just so that I don't have to desperately grab the next low-paying crappy job that comes along. It pays a little bit better than unemployment, and I like most of my coworkers. But this layoff, if it happens, will be the least upsetting layoff of my entire life, including the time I lost my very first out-of-college job with the real estate tycoon and wasn't eligible for unemployment. It's so much stress and so much time for so little money, with a cloud of doom hanging over everything, and it's leaving me with very little time to do anything else.

I don't strongly expect a layoff, and my boss thinks we're safe, but I do have some reason to worry. I may stop at my grandparents' on the way home, but I'll blog and tweet whether I'm out or safe as soon as I have a chance.

Update: I'm safe. Exhausted and overworked, but safe. At least for today!