Run, run Rudolph... for your life!

If you were waiting for this, I apologize that it was probably not worth the wait. It's just something I need to get off my chest from year to year. However, now that I'm giving it an esteemed place (or at least a little cubbyhole) in the blog-o-verse, and being a lot more blunt in my contempt, maybe I won't feel the need to repeat it again.

Also, I did a little research this year, and for the first time I was surprised to find most of my questions answered. (New info has been available for more than two years, but my last search was probably five years ago.) Follow the links below for way more info which will only further my argument that this beloved holiday classic deserves to be replaced with Fox Nooz or an hour-long loop of Alec Baldwin's "Scheweddy Balls" skit from Saturday Night Live.

Okey dokey, here goes:

I call it "the Rudolph Rant" because it's the Rudolph special that inspires it; but it's the portrayal of Santa that gets my dander up.

Every year I watch some portion of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and then end up changing the channel in angry disbelief. Yes - year after year. Because I am gullible and idealistic. Over each twelve-month period, I always figure I just didn't remember it right; that it couldn't possibly be as bad as I recall. I mean, I like the songs; I like the animation; Rudolph is cute; what's not to like?

I know it's dumb to get worked up over a work of fiction about a bunch of imaginary characters, but here's the thing: when you're a kid, you're told that Santa Claus has godlike oversight of your behavior. I was never told that God micromanaged me to the point of keeping track of my sleeping habits, but Santa kept a whole damn ledger on the subject, which was frightening to me since I've never been a good sleeper. More important, however, was that he (in addition to God) was making decisions about me based on my good and bad deeds. In that sense, he was a moral authority. As such, a kid might look to him as a role model.

Fortunately, this does not seem to be the case. Despite a recent campaign in the UK to slim the Jolly One down, I don't believe that Santa is the reason people get fat. I don't know of any kid who fretted over the douchebaggery exhibited by Santa Claus in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," either. (I didn't, as a youngster.) And I'm always irritated when someone else talks about political correctness with reference to the classics of my childhood. It seems that even when we're very young, we're able to take things like this with a grain of salt, with the good stuff making us happy and the bad stuff floating over our oblivious heads.

Nevertheless, it bugs me when an imaginary godlike character acts like a shithead in front of little kids.

Grievance #1: As an employer, Santa is a nightmare.

Inasmuch as he's an employer at all. I'm not even sure what the elves' status is. All I know is that he allows the head elf to bully the other elves into submission. Does he explicitly condone this elf's behavior, or does he just not care? Clearly, the employees/slaves don't feel free to voice their concerns about the head elf's harassment, because Hermey (not Herbie) prefers to run away rather than approach Santa about his interest in dentistry. (Interestingly, in the script, the head elf is "FOREMAN," which brings to mind Red Foreman from That 70's Show, who was always threatening to put his foot up someone's ass.) Be nice if someone pointed out that the workplace isn't supposed to be this way, and if it is, you need to get out and/or seek legal remedies and financial compensation.

He also lets the reindeer coach (Blitzen, I believe) belittle and ostracize Rudolph when his "noncomformity" is discovered.

Grievance #2: As a businessman, Santa is miserably short-sighted.

He's got an aspiring dentist and an amazingly great flying reindeer at his disposal, but neither of these match his narrow ideas of what a Santa needs, so they're both useless as far as he's concerned. Between elderly Santa, his wife, and all those candy-eating/making elves, you'd think there'd be a huge demand for a dentist. He can't be offering decent benefits if there's no room on the North Pole for a dentist.

And the way he lets the foreman treats his elves, he is asking for trouble. It doesn't matter if the EEOC doesn't apply to elves (I'm not sure), or if there aren't any courts with jurisdiction so that elves can sue; those elves could easily mutiny. They'd be eating Claus-chops and wiping their mouths on plush red napkins if they ever realized what a raw deal they were getting.

Santa has some neighbors (the Bumble and Yukon Cornelius) with whom he might form strategic agreements, or at least a monthly casserole exchange, but he'd just as soon hang around the house in his underwear. Okay, I can sorta relate to this, but when you're the main inhabitant of the North Pole you really ought to show more interest in your tiny community. Especially if you've got another neighbor, a winged lion, whose entire mission in life is to collect unwanted toys. If you were Santa, wouldn't you be thrilled to have a backup source of unique toys? Just in case your sizable slave labor force decided to strike?? Well, sure you would - but that's because you're smart.

Grievance #3 (and this is the one I'm not joking about so much): Santa, as portrayed in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," is a miserable judge of character; if you're funny-looking you have to wonder if you're going to get any toys at all.

Santa seems impressed by Rudolph's flying abilities at first, but when he finds out about the shiny nose, not only does he laugh in the child's face, he also tells Donner (Rudolph's father) that he ought to be ashamed for encouraging him to try out for the team! Only later, when he's in desperate need of emergency lighting, does he change his mind. At this point, his attitude is not one of contrition. Rather, it's like, "Hey, Rudolph - I just figured out how you're not a worthless waste of meat! Whaddaya say, kiddo?"

And Rudolph, who is a much better reindeer than I am, cheerfully agrees to help out. I think he should have said "Fuck you, Fatty - you're on your own" and delivered the Misfit Toys himself.

Ah yes. The Misfit Toys. I think it's bad enough as it stands, but in the original script and first broadcast, they were essentially forgotten after that one scene. It was only because of a write-in campaign that Santa picked up those toys at all. How sad is it that nobody involved in this story considered that Santa should do this, until thousands of horrified parents begged them to address this loose end? Is Santa truly such a narrow-minded asshole that he can't imagine any demand for one swishy Charlie-in-the-Box, or one spotted elephant? They couldn't think of one kid who might prefer a one-of-a-kind toy? There's a whole island full of lonely, homeless toys who cry themselves to sleep every night, and we're just going to leave it at that?

Again, I've never heard of any kid being harmed or upset by this story, but I'm glad I'm not the only adult who saw some problems.

As for the doll, her problem was supposedly only ever referred to vaguely in the script as being "psychological," and elsewhere we're told that she's clinically depressed due to having been abandoned by her mistress.

WOW. That's a load of guilt to lay on any kid who wants to give up an old toy; if it ever was in the script, I'm glad it got thrown out. But I suspect that it was never in the script, and that the real reason for having her there was something even more misogynistic, like the doll wasn't blond or something. Either that, or it's just a mean joke to explain why she cries.

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There - I've run out of steam. Now I feel a little silly, but I also feel relieved. I need never speak of this again. At least until I think of more reasons to gripe next year.